Thursday, 17 May 2012

A Great Disservice

For years, I've done my husband the disservice of not sharing the entirety of my worries and fears with him. I figured, he's on the road, there's nothing he can do about it and I didn't want to do or say anything that would make him feel guilty about being away from home. Husband doesn't choose to travel for work because he prefers to be away, he does it to provide for us. I've always strived to be a supportive and encouraging wife, to make our home a haven for him. I was afraid that if I told him how much I struggle when he's gone, let him see how negatively his absence affects me, he would feel even worse about being on the road, that he would begin to dread coming home to this needy wife. What a fool I was! I'm learning that I've underestimated my husband, his love for me, his insight into me, and his ability to handle my fears and insecurities.

After being on the road and only home on weekends for nearly 3 years, Husband worked locally, coming home every night, for nearly 4 months. It was a wonderful 4 months. He's been back on the road for 4 weeks now. Now that Husband is gone again, I realize how much his being home has done for our family. I'm recognizing that all the time we spent apart had caused a distance between Husband and I. While he was home that distance was overcome. We got to know each other again, our lives again became one. As we grew closer our communication improved greatly.

This week my fears emerged. I'm terrified that the distance between us will come back. I've already begun to feel that he has a life completely separate from me. Yesterday at Bible Study, I admitted to the group that I was struggling. Right then and there they surrounded me and prayed for me. I'm fairly certain that this is the first time I've admitted my fears to anyone when they first emerge; in the past, I've kept quiet until I've reached the point where I'm barely coping. After Bible Study, I spent the day reflecting on what I was feeling, why I felt that way and determining if it was a rational fear or an irrational fear.  When I talked with Husband last night, I admitted it all. That I was afraid we were going to grow apart again, that I miss our daily interactions, the opportunity to take 2 minutes to scratch his head simply because I needed to touch him. I told him that I wasn't sure how to deal with these fears, that I'd felt them the last time he was on the road and never said anything because I didn't want to make him feel badly about being away. I also explained that I have no doubt about our commitment or loyalty to each other, that I trust him completely. We had rebuilt so much when he was home, our communication had grown so open and that the last thing I want to do is to close off from him again.

My husband is an incredible man. His response? We'll make sure to keep more in touch throughout the day. He told me to always spit it out when I was struggling or afraid; he would much rather know than to wonder why I'm so quiet and not know what I need. When I reach a point where I need him home for a week to regain my steadiness, he'll find a way to make it happen. Husband said absolutely nothing that made me feel like a foolish emotional female. Instead, his response was validating. I now know that the distance that developed in the past, I bear a great deal of responsibility for. In trying to be supportive and protecting him, I built up a wall between us. This whole time he's been waiting for me to let him in, waiting patiently and giving me space to come to him on my terms.

I am so blessed to have Husband as my husband. He gets me like no one else does. He loves me completely, accepts me unconditionally.